Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
