we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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