I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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