You're a womanizer and a bitch.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
