imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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