I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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