she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
