me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
