I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
