I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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