I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
