Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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