im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
