I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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