so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
