I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
