I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
