take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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