Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
