I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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