I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Two words: blizzard sex
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
