can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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