OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
