I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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