WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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