Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
