Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
we should paint friendship bongs
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
