if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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