You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
