You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
