and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
