How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
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She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
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His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos