New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
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He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.