i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
