i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
