I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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