I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
