I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
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I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I will pee on everything he values.
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I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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