maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
