I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
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