i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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