So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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