CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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