I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
