Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Randomize
