So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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