you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
