Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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