I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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