NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
