its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
