I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
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I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
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Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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