he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize