after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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