she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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