I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
