New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Randomize
