Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
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And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
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I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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