I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
