Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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