Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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